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04 TEXT;
I HAVE A MEXICAN GIRLFRIEND
selfkismesis wrote in singularity_rpg
GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS.

BUT IT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
IT MUST BE DONE BECAUSE YOU OTHER TROLLFUCKWITS HAVE BEEN TO BUSY FIDDLING YOUR PRONGS UP YOUR WASTECHUTE TO SCHOOLFEED THE REST OF THIS PATHETIC, FESTERING SPACE STATION OF FAILURE AND SLOPPY ALIEN MAKEOUTS.

SCHOOLFEEDING MUST OCCUR IF WE’RE GOING TO SURVIVE MORE THAN ONE SWEEP WITHOUT HAVING TO DEAL WITH IMITATION HUMAN HATEMANCES AND FAILED ATTEMPTS AT QUADRANTS.
SCHOOLFEEDING MUST OCCUR IF I’M GOING TO PURGE MY SPONGEMEATS OF THE PAST WEEK AND OF BEING A
OHGOD THE MEMORIES

NEW RULE: NO ONE EVER MENTION THAT SPECIES SWAP BULLSHIT EVER AGAIN. THIS RULE IS EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. EFFECTIVE AT EVERYONE, TOO. NOT JUST TROLLS.
NEVER
MENTION
IT
AGAIN.

OK, ON TO BUSINESS.



TROLL ROMANCE.

IT’S A THING.

AND IT’S A THING THAT IS HAPPENING, DESPITE THE GROSS OVERSIMPLIFICATIONS AND OVERALL STUPIDITY OF THE HUMANS WITNESSING IT (HEY, JADE. JOHN. THIS SENTENCE WAS TYPED IN HONOR OF YOU AND YOUR COLOSSAL ABILITY TO NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT!)
SO, AS THE ONLY COMPETENT, SENTIENT BEING IN NOOKSUCKER CENTRAL, IT’S MY DUTY TO EXPLAIN THE ROMANCE QUADRANTS TO ALL OF YOU.

QUADRANTS? BUT MR. KARKAT FUCKING VANTAS? HOW MANY ARE THERE?!

SHUT UP, CAPSLOCK GREY TEXT THAT STRANGELY SOUNDS LIKE THAT SHAPESHIFTER, CAMILLE, IN MY MIND.
THERE ARE FOUR. BECAUSE IT IS *QUAD*RANTS. FOUR. FOUR DIFFERENT TYPES OF TROLL ROMANCE.

1) ♥ MATESPRITSHIP: I’LL START WITH THE EASIEST, SINCE YOU FUCKWITS ARE NOTORIOUSLY STUPID. MATESPRITSHIP IS CLOSEST TO YOUR ONE-DIMENSIONAL, UNCOMPLICATED HUMAN ROMANCE. “LOVE” I THINK IS THE BULLSHIT, FOUR LETTER WORD YOU’VE CHOSEN TO DESCRIBE IT. “RETARDED” IS THE WORD I CHOOSE TO DESCRIBE YOUR MAKING UP OF WORDS. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS DOMINATED BY PITY, AND IT’S ALSO KNOWN AS MATING FONDNESS WHICH IS REQUIRED FOR REPRODUCTION. I’M NOT GOING TO DESCRIBE REPRODUCTION IN THIS POST, BECAUSE I CAN ALREADY HEAR YOU IMMATURE WIGGLERS TITTERING LIKE A METRIC TON OF SCHOOLGIRLS AT A SLEEPOVER. GO PAINT YOUR GODDAMN CLAWS IF YOU’RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HANDLE ADULT TALK.

2) ♠ KISMESISSITUDE: THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS DOMINATED BY HATE AND RIVALRY. YOUR ONE TRUE HATE. IT’S ALSO NECESSARY FOR REPRODUCTION, WHICH I’M NOT EXPLAINING, BECAUSE SCHOOL GIRLS ETC ETC GET OUT. DESPITE WHAT CERTAIN TROLLS THINK (HINT HINT SPIDERBITCHES HINT HINT I’M TALKING TO YOU VRISKA) HUMANS HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THIS IS. I WOULD KNOW BECAUSE I’M MORE CULTURALLY SAVVY THAN YOU, VRISKA. IT’S NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT. DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WILL SHATTER, AND I WILL LAUGH IN YOUR FACE UNTIL TIME ITSELF GETS SICK OF ME. AND THEN I’LL LAUGH SOME MORE.

ALSO, THERE HAS BEEN SOME CONFUSION. MY GENERAL HATEFUL ATTITUDE DOES *NOT* MEAN I AM HITTING ON ANY OF YOU. YOU (IT’S BEING USED IN THE PLURAL HERE. EVERYONE ON THIS SPINNING HUNK OF METAL, I AM TALKING TO YOU) DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE MY KISMESIS. MY STANDARDS ARE FAR TOO HIGH.


3) ♦ MOIRALLEGIANCE: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REPRODUCTION. ALL CLAW-PAINTING SCHOOL GIRLS, GET YOUR ASSES BACK TO MY SCHOOLFEEDING SESSION. MOIRALLEGIANCE IS A PALE ROMANCE BASED ON PITY. IT’S WHERE TWO TROLLS BASICALLY COMPLETE EACH OTHER—BOTH ARE UNSTABLE IN THEIR OWN SPECIFIC WAYS, BUT THEY BALANCE EACH OTHER OUT.

....
YEAH. UM.
...
MOVING ON.

4) ♣ AUSPISTICE: THIS IS A THREE TROLL TANGO BASED ON HATE. ONE TROLL ACTS AS THE AUSPISTICE AND KEEPS TWO OTHER TROLLS FROM COMMITTING HATE-INFIDELITY. IT’S IMPORTANT BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE WOULD HAVE HATEMAKE OUTS EVERYWHERE AND I WOULD PROBABLY BE FORCED TO GOUGE MY OWN OCULAR GLOBES OUT WITH MY FISTS.

THERE.

TAKE NOTES IF YOU HAVE TO. I’M NOT REPEATING THIS TEXTUAL FUCKFEST EVER AGAIN. IT’S BEEN DONE TO TAKE YOUR CONFUSION OUT TO PASTURE AND PUT IT DOWN OLE TROLL YELLER STYLE.
IT WAS ALSO DONE TO APPEASE A CERTAIN TWO-TONED BASTARD WHO HASN’T BEEN TALKING TO ME. WHO HAD BETTER BE READING THIS.

NO, SERIOUSLY. IF YOUR NAME STARTS WITH AN “S” AND ENDS IN “OLLUX CAPTOR” YOU FUCKING MESSAGE ME RIGHT NOW. I AM BEING COMPLETELY SERIOUS.

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Are we meant to care?

GET OFF MY WEARABLE WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I WOULD EVER WANT TO SEE YOU?!
NO HOLOGRAMS ALLOWED.
THAT'S A NEW RULE I'M MAKING HERE.


Edited at 2011-05-31 03:24 pm (UTC)

Your rules mean nothing to me.

Were you so upset over your appropriated species you refuse to acknowledge its occurrence?

[ > Karkat: Rage.

You rage so hard your wearable goes flying. It will take you a long time to find it again.
]

FUCK YOU AND THE ROBOTIC SMUG BULLSHIT SHIP YOU SECRETLY ARE.
YOU ONLY EXIST TO ENRAGE ME.
YOU ARE WHY THE UNIVERSE HATES ME.
YOU ARE THE CAUSE FOR EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IN MY LIFE.
IT'S YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK
YOU
FUCK FUCK YOU
GRAGHHHHHHHHH

[see this? this all the fucks she gives about his tantrum]

You did not answer my question.

FUCK YOUR QUESTION STOP APPEARING FROM MY WEARABLE.

I do not believe that will occur.

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?

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